It Hurts Like Suicide
by Iyonte The Plushie
Summary: Shuichi belives that Yuki doesnt love him. Lonliness drives him to doing the unthinkable, but can Yuki save him from himself in time? R&R. .
1. From Yuki's Room, To The Blade

It Hurts Like Suicide.

It Hurts Like Suicide.

I pray it isnt true.

The way you feel about me.

The way I feel about you.

This Suicide, its deadly.

Like love, gone unoticed.

It Hurts Like Suicide, Yuki..It really, really does.

* * *

What am I to you, Yuki? As I sit here, I only think about you, because you are my everything. But here I am, sulking, weeping over you, though on the outside, I pretend like its nothing, when you mean more to me then life itself.Do I matter to you? Have I ever been in your thoughts, as much as you are in mine, Yuki? I could never bring myself to asking you this, could ever step up, and ask you so blindly, is this love we feel for each other real..

Love...I cant resist it any longer, its too strong to try and hide it. But whenever I lift my eyes, he looks away, pretending I dont exsist. Is this really love between us? This coldness coming from him, even though his body is warm at my touch. I cant stand this any longer, being so close to him, yet so far away. Seated at his desk, silently reading over his novels. Romance, sexual activity between a man and a woman. Is that why he doesnt love me..Because I'm not a girl? Because I've got a dick, and not some wet, stinky..I'll keep these thoughts to myself, for now. Yuki isnt home, he's on a trip..away from me. He seem's to enjoy himself, when I'm not around. I dont understand it, and how badly I want too.

My thoughts are jumbled, mixed and confusing. I trouble everyone I come upon, dont I? Hiro, I made him want to quit BadLuck, even though he denies it. Fujisaki, he's never satisfied with me, he never will be. My manager, Kei-san..Always helping me in these invisible ways, yet I've dont nothing for him, or Sakano-san. I suppose I'm as helpless as Yuki says I am, and...And..Why cant I do anything about it...Why cant I..I'm trying hard enough, right..?

" Heh..I cant belive I'm doing this to myself..BadLuck needs me, right...Right?" How tired I am of my voice echoing in this dark room, the only light coming from Yuki's computer. Even when he's around, there's still silence..Dead silence between us. I sit back, my fingers becoming numb, from tying. All my thoughts, my pains and my sorrows, I have left in a jumble of words, expressing my feelings to Yuki. It hurts like suicide, how I feel, and I've only experienced a taste of death, once. Yuki hasnt figured out what happened..Hiro told him I got beaten, but there was more to it..so much more.

I cant relax any longer, I cant live in agony. I didnt know being in love could hurt so much, I really had no clue..Which is probably why Yuki doesnt love me in return..Because I'm so clueless. Well..He wont have to worry about be anymore..Not anymore..

The kitchen is so near..This knife placed against my skin..I'm scared, and I dont want to go through it, but..

If it'll make Yuki happy, then I'll do it.

If it'll make Yuki..Happy..

This blade against my skin, isnt as cold as Yuki is towards me. Our goodnight kisses mean nothing to him, our lovemaking is as special to him, as a bird getting shot in mid-air. I feel...So alone in this word, so out of place..But am I really? Is this really Shindo Shuichi I'm talking about? This blade..It will hurt me, but not as much as Yuki has..Not nearly as much..


	2. Blood Stained Bathroom

" Thank you, Eiri-san. It worries me to death when you wait untill the deadline, and then..Gomen, pardon me for being so rude.." The editor offered a bow, tilting her head to gaze at the most talented novelist she had ever worked with. Smiling, she turned, leaving a heavy scent of perfume behind her. Yuki sighed, brushing his fingers over a box of ciggaretts. Reaching into his pocket, his lighter was always there, he lifted it up towards his mouth, where the tool had previously been placed. After the editor had left, Yuki's well deserved silence had been replaced, allowing him to relax and drift into thinking..Thinking about his next story, about the one he would have published just now. Lover, thats what he had called it, the name would catch attention.

With smoke rising and twirling into the air, Yuki inhaled, taking a deep breath, before pouring smoke out from his lips. He needed to calm down, to get rid of the ache in his head..He always had a headache, mostly because of his noisy fan-boy..Shuichi. Though Yuki could care less about his progress with the ladies, the fan-girls seemed to want to attack him every time he was out in the open..But, Shuichi was diffrent. He whinned about loving him, wanting to share his life with him, but the pink-haired brat knew little about him.

Another sigh swept pass his lips, smoke still rising into the air, surrounding him like a dark cloud. The stoke had burned out, leaving ashes all over his pants, he hadnt bothered to get a ash tray. " I hate to admit it..But I wonder how he's doing.." Soft words would reach to the ceiling, no one was there to listen but himself. He would return home soon, very soon. Kyoto wasnt very far away from home, and he was sure Shuichi would be..Thrilled to see him. His taxi cab awaited him, though the silence, he had gotten used to." A home away from home..I suppose I'll be going back to the hellhole, now.." And thus, his vacation would end. He could already hear the cheerful screams of his "lover" when he returned home.

" Ano...Kei-san..Shindo is late, so very late! I can only imagine what the president will say, I promised him we'd be there on time for once! Ohh, so far away! Eiri-san's appartment is so far away! Why couldnt we have just called? Didnt he answer the phone? Kei-san, Kei-san, are you listening to me?!" Tears of sorrow flowed down poor Sakano's cheeks, his nostrils flaring as both he and Kei advanced towards Shindo's current home. A gentle knock to begin with, but after several mintues and no answer, Kei's famous gun seemed to be talking to him. " Shuichi..I know you're in there...I can smell Ryuichi's shampoo on you from here!" Still no answer. Complete silence...Kei didnt like silence.

" Perhaps he isnt home..Maybe he went to the studio on our way here?" Sakano asked, lifting his hands to defend himself, should Kei decide to stuff the gun into his mouth." No. He would have called us, wondering where we were. Something's up here, I can sense it.." Blue eyes narrowed somewhat, once again tapping on the door, before giving Shuichi a fair warning." You've got till the count of three, to open this door...One...Two...Three!" Blasting away the door was no problem at all.

Yuki's door was destroyed, but luckily, he wasnt around to see it.

Everything was silent, almost dead silent. The kitchen, the living room, the hallway, complete stillness. The only movement, was Kei and Sakano. With a flick of his wrist, Kei strapped his personal gun back onto his belt, which held his familiar cream colored pants up. Following in pursuit, Sakano and Kei began their inspection, coming to the conclusion that no one was home...But." Did you look in the bathroom?" Sakano's soft voice rang out, stirring Kei from his worrying." on." A few footsteps, and the bathroom door which was closed. " No more knocking..if he isnt in here, then I dont know where he is." Kei smirked, lifting his right foot to brutally punish the innocent bathroom door." Shuich-..."

" Oh...My...Shuichi..Shuichi!"

Crimson stains lined the bathroom walls, Shuichi's body hanging limp over the bathtub.

" Shuichi..."


	3. Oh, Yuki, cant you see?

The door was busted down. The hinges completely broken.

Whose ass would Yuki kick today? Probably noone, because that's who was there. No one."..And...My door is broken...Noone's here..No door..Noone.." Yuki clenched his fist, just about ready to punch someone." This has got to be Shuichi's fault..That damn brat..He come's to live here, and destroys my THIRD house.." Perhaps it was a bad idea to get extremely pissed off, just yet. He dropped his bags at the doorway, stuffing a hand inside of his pocket. The kitchen was empty, and so was his room. The next place he would look, was a complete surprise. Blood was everywhere, and I mean it. Everywhere. With wide eyes, and a head full of concern, Yuki darted towards the nearest phone, picking it up and pausing just before hitting the dials.

Who was he going to call? Shuichi could afford a cellphone, yet didnt have one. He snarled, dropping the phone, before lifting it up again." I hate to do this.." He dialed Hiroshi's number, placing the black coloured telephone against his delicate ears."..Hello..?" The voice on the other side of the line spoke, but it wasnt Hiro's."..Where is Shuichi.." Whoever it was, they would know the answer." Eiri Yuki-san..?..He's in..The hospital..For-" Yuki didnt need anymore. The phone line clicked, and the voice on the other side paused, before hanging up as well.

Footsteps noisly echoed through the hallways, each stair closer to the other one, as Yuki seemed to race towards his car." Blood..I.." A sharp pain in his stomach proppelled him, his foot slaming against the gas pedel once he made it into his car." That little bastard..My bathroom..Fuck.." His sneered, his hands gripping the stiring wheel as he raced through traffic, finding the closest hospital Shuichi could have been taken too. He reached the front desk quickly, to him, there were no other doors. Hands slapped against the desk-top, and the ladies behind it almost scream." Eiri Yuki! I cant belive it, ohmigod, he's really here!" Their annoying voices were..Loud." Shut up, and answer me this..Where is Shuichi Shindo..?" Yuki asked, quieting the ladies down with his coldness.

" Hold on..L-let me look.." A brunette said, typing rather quickly. She had never imagined that her only idol would be so cold, yet as rumor had it, he was Shuichi Shindo's lover, from Badluck, right?" He's in room 413. He's doing fine, but the reason he's here, was-" Yuki was already on a roll. He had no time to waste, and Shuichi's ass would be on fire, once he was done. He was worried, of course, but it couldnt have been anything that it? A sudden wave of panic had shocked even him, and he found himself walking just a little faster.

One floor...two floors, and just upon the third floor, he had reached Shuichi's room. The door was open, and Hiroshi had been standing outside. Now, Hiroshi was surprised to see Yuki there, looking half concerned, half angry. Leaning up against the wall, Hiro said nothing as the novelist walked past him, footsteps echoing into Shuichi's room. There were hushed voices, but as soon as Yuki stepped in, everyone had gone silent." Y-yuki-san.." Sakano started up, hesitating to move any closer.

Shuichi was still asleep, the constant beeping of machinary giving Yuki a sudden alertness. Moving no closer, his voice was heavy with something, but what was it?" Why..Is he here...What happened to him..and my door?" He asked, cold, yellow eyes glancing up at Sakano, then Kei. Kei was the first to speak up, clearing his throat, while crystal eyes seemed to glare in Yuki's direction." The doctor said it to be a disorder..But I really dont belive it. He's been cutting himself, if you couldnt tell already." Kei said, backing away from the pink haired beauty.

Sakano moved a few steps aside, letting Yuki take the open seat beside Shuichi." We'll be leaving now, Yuki-san..Please take care of Shuichi, it seems that.." He stopped in his speach, unable to tell Yuki the truth." Please, Yuki-san..I beg you to take care of him, for now on.."

* * *

This is a shitty way to stop, and I know it. This chapter was rushed, to please forgive me. Hopefully I'll be able to post up soon." 


	4. Kei's Second Chance

Yuki's reacting was nothing either of them would wait to see. Sakano had said what he wanted to say, arms folded against his chest, while he forced himself to move out of the door. Neither of them, Sakano or Hiroshi, wanted to be there when Shuichi woke up. Though Hiro himself thought it would be better if no one was there...but his best friend had been alone long enough. If he needed anyone, wanted to gaze upon anyone, it was definately Yuki. A few footsteps down the hallway, and Sakano would speak his mind. For the first time, Hiro witnessed a sense of anger coming from the other male, his fist clenched and pounding into the wall. " Calm down, Sakono-san...there was nothing we could do. We both know how Shuichi feels, and its none of out business the way he takes this relationship..." He knew he was wrong. It WAS his business, and he felt it was his business alone. His best friend had been cutting himself, for christs sakes! And where had he been? Playing the gutair? Flirting with a few females down the lane? He'd been goofing off, acting a total fool! While Shuichi sat in his bathroom, sobbing, probably calling out for him..

Hiro suddenly felt disguted with himself. He should have felt this way before, felt guilt and sorrow for being so oblivious to what was going on. " Its not even your fault, Sakano-san...if anything, its mine." Dark eyes would glance towards the ground, fingertips folded and unfolding in nervous gestures. " I feel as horrible as you do, Hiro-san. But as you said, this is not our problem anymore.." With that, Sakano would go his own way, leaving Hiroshi there to think. Before long, he would leave as well, fingers twitching for a fight.

Meanwhile..

" I didnt think you could drop to this level, Shuichi." Yuki's voice was..cold. Shuichi could hear it,could imagine how angry he was. The pink haired boy would crown, eyes fluttering open, the bright light obviously a bother to him. " Y...Yuki?" He speaks, voice cracking and horase. The older man was there, as was Kei. The american wasnt' going to leave, he had to make sure Yuki didnt do something stupid. He knew the older man longer than Shuichi had, if not from rumors, then personally. " Yeah. The Yuki you supposedly loved." He'd speak, uncaring of Kei's presence. " Cutting yourself? Is that how you prove your love, Shuichi?" His question had caught the boy off gaurd, opened eyes going closed once more. God, he felt horrible, and Yuki was only making it worse.

Kei would step up to base, one hand quickly clasping Shuichi's. " Go back to sleep, Shuichi. Yuki will be here when you wake up." While lowering his voice, he turned to the angered novelist, his own eyes glistening dangerously. " I'll kill you if you continue to look at me like that. Get out of here. I'll have the nurses call you when he wakes up again. Until then, you can sit outside." Kei took out his usual gun, finger on the trigger, pointed in Yuki's direction. " And if you still believe I'm fucking around with you, try testing me." Kei normally never got THIS angry. But his star-to-be was injured, and the jerk of a novelist could only think to insult him? No, not in the americans presence. Where he came from, Shuichi would be pittied, but Kei felt not only that, but a need to protect the pink haired idol.

With a grunt, Yuki would smirk. He expected the other to leave? Please, Yuki would stand his ground. " Shoot me. I'm sure Shuichi would forgive you in a few generations." He smirks to himself, even more so when Kei dropped the gun. "...As of right now, I'm dissapointed in you, Yuki. At first, I thought you could do better. But it seems, once again, I was incorrect." With this said, and Yuki's pride barely grazed, Kei would take his leave. Before leaving the doorframe, he'd speak once more, which left Yuki to think." You sure you care about Shuichi? If thats the case, be here when he wakes up. Instead of pressuring him, why dont you change your attitude and suck it up a bit? He needs you, and I'm guessing you should learn to need him. Quickly."

Yuki's face had twisted into three different expressions. Anger, hate, and a tad bit of sadness. Slowly, he would turn to Shuichi, who had fallen back asleep. Yuki would lift a hand, letting his palm run over the smooth, soft flesh of his lover. With a frown, he asked himself softly, " How could I have treated you like that, Shuichi...?"

-  
I know I havent' updated in a long while, but I've got stuff to do, people! Like role-play...yeah, role-playings awesome. Plus, I'm overly excited about the new Hellsing Ova's coming out. Oh yeah! So pardon if I dont post as much..I think I'm going to do one-shots from now on, hopefully I'll finish this..

Love - Neko-chibi. 


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